Good Enough - Part 1

I had this following conversation with my first “boyfriend” when I was twelve. He was the first boy I ever really liked, the first boy to say he liked me, and the first boy to break my heart. This conversation took place outside school one day while I was waiting for my dad’s assistant to pick me up.

Me: “Why are you acting differently today than yesterday?”

Him: “Well I don’t think we should go out anymore”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “My friends think I could do better than you” (He then walked away)

I remember that day. I remember holding back my tears while my dad’s assistant drove me from Roanoke Rapids NC to Gasburg VA. I remember the 25-minute drive seemed even longer that day as I stared out the window the entire way. I didn’t want for Judy to see me cry. She might tell my dad and I didn’t want to explain to him that I let some boy make me cry.

Judy usually stuck around until my mom or dad got off work, but that day our housekeeper was at the house and would be until way after my parents got there so she left me. I ran up to my room and shut the door. I collapsed on my bed and cried until I could barely breathe. I got up to my wash my face. I looked in mirror at my boring green eyes and dirty blonde hair. I opened my mouth and looked at my teeth. Until that day I considered myself beautiful and Unique. I suddenly started to consider myself ugly and boring.…nothing special.

I wish I could say that this negative self-imagine faded and I began to see myself differently but I never really did. I carried the idea that I wasn’t “good enough” around with me and it didn’t take me long to develop an eating disorder. The idea entered my head after a friend of mind told me it was an easy way to lose weight and be beautiful. I never considered myself fat and at the time I was barely 100 pounds but if that is what it took to be beautiful I would do it. So I did. I would shove my finger down my throat and purge until everything I ate came up. I was surprised how good it made me feel like I was in control. Needless to say I did lose weight and people noticed. A year went by and I kept my secret until my youth pastors wife noticed something different about me. I knew that she suspected something because she asked me about my eating habits. AND then I messed up (and by messed up I mean I probably slipped up and saved my life). I told my best friend Callie what I was doing. We went back in forth that night over the phone but she finally insisted that I tell an adult and she left me no choice. So I decided to tell Elizabeth (my youth pastors wife) since she pretty much had me pinned anyway. The next morning at church I had not forgotten what I had promised Callie but I prayed that Callie had. YEAH RIGHT! Right after Sunday school I see Callie walking towards me and Elizabeth followed her. I wish I could say what words entered my mind at that moment but it isn't appropriate.

There’s no easy way to tell anyone that you have an eating disorder, but for me it was a lot easier to tell Elizabeth than it was to tell my mom or anyone else in my family. I guess because at the time I really didn’t know Elizabeth and honestly I didn’t really care what she thought of me. So after about 5 minutes of silence I blurted it out “I think I have an eating disorder”. For some reason I was expecting Elizabeth to yell at me so I stared at my feet, but after about 30 seconds she still hadn’t started yelling I looked back up at her. She smiled at me “I’m glad you told me, I thought that you might”. I was relieved. For the next hour we talked and I left feeling like someone had violated my brain and picked my thoughts to pieces, but in a weird way that was a good feeling.

After months of long, exhausting conversations Elizabeth convinced me to tell my mom, and sure enough I found myself in a counselors office. This woman was crazy and she was OLD! I guessed that she was about 60. It was strange but before we jumped into talking about eating disorders I expected for her to pray with me, thats what Elizabeth did, but she didn't and I felt nervous the entire time. I remember raising my eyebrow when my mom asked me if I liked her. OOPS big mistake! My mom found me another counselor! This one was younger but I didn’t trust her like I trusted Elizabeth. Elizabeth said she was going to keep my secret, I believed her. This woman wrote everything I said down in a notebook. For some reason I had nightmares about reading my problems in the Daily Harold (no joke) I talked about everything with this counselor just not my eating disorder. She eventually told my mom that I was healed, and that I no longer showed any signs of having a eating disorder.

Well she was wrong.

The battle went on for many more years; of course the battle became secret. My mom, My dad, Callie, Elizabeth, everyone thought those days were behind me.

Little did I know my world was about to be ROCKED! (to be continued)