Blame

I want to point fingers. I want to say that I wasn’t wrong. In fact, I was right, or at least that’s what I’ve been trying to convince myself of recently. BUT I am NOT innocent. I am guilty. The question that aches me is: “Am I the only guilty one in this situation?”

I've always been able to hold my feelings in and guard my heart, but lately I feel like I’m just going to vomit up everything that has gone wrong and it’s going to leave me bitter. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to be stressed and I don’t want to be angry. So with a short prayer I made a decision. I am going to accept ALL the blame and carry the weight of that.

Am I ready to accept ALL the blame? Is it really all my fault?

To answer that first question: Yes, I can handle that, even though it’s not easy. I can stand up and be an adult about all of this, I can carry the blame. Because, honestly I won’t be carrying it too far: I’m going to carry it to the CROSS, leave it there, and move on. Happiness, joy, and forgiveness, will follow and everything will be okay.

Is it really all my fault?

In all reality, no, it isn’t ALL my fault, actually in reality I am pretty sure that jury would be hung.

Is that the story I am sticking too??

No, I am going to stand up for my actions, my mistakes, accept my blame, and blame that isn’t mine. Ask God to forgive me and heal me and pray that he will forgive and heal on the other side of this situation too. I am going to pray that he will change our hearts, and bring us both closer to him, and keep us in his service.

He will forgive us, heal us, and continue to use us (more than likely separately) for his glory. Maybe, in time he may heal the relationship enough for us to be friends. Until then, He will remind us that even though hearts were broken, trust was betrayed, hurtful words were spoken, and hurt feelings were ignored: We are still Brother and Sister in Christ. That is the way we will remain…

17 things you might not know about me :)

My faithful readers have begun to complain about the fact that I have not posted a blog in like a month. I wish I could say that this blog was going to be something deep and theological but it isn’t. I am brain dead because of an intensive. SO anyway, I read another blog and that blogger made a list of random facts about herself, and I thought it was interesting. So I am going to try it.

1) I LOVE rolling down hills.

2) I sing and dance in the shower.

3) I am scared of birds.

4) I LOVE LOVE LOVE country music

5) I want lots of babies

6) I’ve got my mom’s eyes

7) I like vinegar in my soup

8) Lemons are by far my favorite fruit

9) I think ears are gross

10) Valentines Day is stupid

11) I eat Jalapeños out of the jar

12) One of my first words was “Walmart”

13) Kissing makes me laugh, sometimes

14) Lake Gaston is the most beautiful place on earth!

15) I have been proposed to with a pink plastic ring, in the kitchen of chick-fli-a and yes, I said no.

16) I am not a huge fan of politics, but I vote

17) Noises aggravate the crap out of me!

Hopefully you all know me better now!!

Meeting Miracle-Part 2

I wasn’t too excited when my mom came home and announced that as a family we were going to Nicaragua for a mission trip. What happened to the elaborate Caribbean cruises that I have become accustomed too? I guess my mom could see the look in my eyes because she assured me that I was going to have a great time, that it would change my life, and also that I had no choice I was going.

Weeks turned into months and before I knew it my mom was pulling me (Literally pulling) out of bed at 2:30 AM on the morning of the trip. I got up and as I was walking to the bathroom I looked back to my bed thinking there was a possibility that I would never see it again. (yeah, I can me dramatic sometimes)

The first thing I noticed about Nicaragua is that it was HOT! I had never felt heat quite like that before. I climbed into the bus and prayed for rain. Little did I know rain in February in Nicaragua was rare. Now this bus was not a Greyhound bus. It was an old, beat up SCHOOL bus, and we would be traveling 4 hours to Ocatal in this sorry excuse for a vehicle! To be completely honest I don’t remember much about the bus ride besides that it was bumpy and of course, hot. I was completely exhausted and fell asleep. I woke up to find that the bus had stopped and we were parked at an old beat up hotel. Turns out our hotel (which actually wasn’t much better) had been over booked and we were staying here. There were two things I learned from this old beat up hotel.

1) Roaches bigger than my hand do exist and

2) How to flush the toilet using a bucket of water.

It didn’t matter I laid down on top of the dirty bed and fell asleep. I woke to my mom saying, “This is the most beautiful country!” I leaped out of bed and ran to the door; looking over at the shacks and dirt roads I didn’t think so. I smiled at my mom as she whipped out a disposable camera and started taking a million pictures. For the first time in a while I had food on my mind. I was still struggling with an eating disorder at the time and I knew whatever I ate I was going to puke up later, but my stomach was demanding food.

The first two days in Nicaragua I pretended. I ate the nasty food as well as I could and I would later puke it up. I played with the children but my heart wasn’t there, but then something AMAZIING happened.

I remember it was my 17^th birthday, and in Nicaragua it was hot! It was weird. Since I was born in February I was never use to it being hot on my birthday but the sun was beating down on us and we were about to die. I was drinking 5 or 6 bottles of water ever 30 minutes. I was weak and covered in dirt. I wanted to go home or at least back to the hotel so I could rest and then it happened. School let out and kids were everywhere. A girl about my age started talking to me (using a translator of course) we talked about everything but finally the conversation took a turn for the extraordinary! (btw the girl’s name was miracle and she was a miracle)

Miracle: “Why are you in Nicaragua?”
Me: “Basically we are here to tell people about Jesus”
Miracle: “Who?”
Me: “You know Jesus.. The son of God, the one in the bible”

Miracle: “No, I don’t know him. Does he live in Nicaragua or is he an American?”

I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. The translator’s eye’s lit up like he knew what was about to happen. I remember praying: “Lord, I don’t know what to say. Help me. I’ve never done this before. Should I get someone else? Why would you bring her to me? I’m screwed up!”

I went on to explain to her who Jesus was, what he did and that he was coming back to take us all away from here because he loved us. I saw her begin to understand and I watched her as she started to believe. Holding hands with her and the translator I prayed to God and watched her accept him with very much excitement. I gave her a bible and a hug and she ran off saying she wanted to tell her mom and dad and brothers about Jesus.

That night I sat alone with my feet dangling over the balcony at the hotel and stared out at the city, the people, the houses, the animals, and the mountains and I realized this country was SO BEAUITFUL. I cried and cried when I thought about Miracle. I realized that what I thought was beautiful was not what beauty actually was.

Beauty was not something that was going to come from me puking up every meal I ate. Beauty was not fitting in. Beauty was not flawless skin, and perfect hair. Beauty doesn’t exist apart from Christ. Beauty was the moment when I saw Miracle believe and accept Christ. Beauty is crying out to God when I have had more than I can take of this world. Beauty is brokenness for the lost and unsaved. Beauty is the blood that Christ shed so we wouldn’t have to die. Beauty was something I didn’t understand until I met Miracle.

I thought about the eating disorder that had completely taken over and how it was going to destroy me. I thought about all the people in Nicaragua who were so grateful for what little they had and how I had not shown appreciation for all the gifts I’d been given. That day I changed. That day I privately dedicated myself to God and his kingdom. Meeting Miracle changed my life, brought me healing, and gave me something to live for.


This hope lasted, all the way until I started college. (TO be continued)

Good Enough - Part 1

I had this following conversation with my first “boyfriend” when I was twelve. He was the first boy I ever really liked, the first boy to say he liked me, and the first boy to break my heart. This conversation took place outside school one day while I was waiting for my dad’s assistant to pick me up.

Me: “Why are you acting differently today than yesterday?”

Him: “Well I don’t think we should go out anymore”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “My friends think I could do better than you” (He then walked away)

I remember that day. I remember holding back my tears while my dad’s assistant drove me from Roanoke Rapids NC to Gasburg VA. I remember the 25-minute drive seemed even longer that day as I stared out the window the entire way. I didn’t want for Judy to see me cry. She might tell my dad and I didn’t want to explain to him that I let some boy make me cry.

Judy usually stuck around until my mom or dad got off work, but that day our housekeeper was at the house and would be until way after my parents got there so she left me. I ran up to my room and shut the door. I collapsed on my bed and cried until I could barely breathe. I got up to my wash my face. I looked in mirror at my boring green eyes and dirty blonde hair. I opened my mouth and looked at my teeth. Until that day I considered myself beautiful and Unique. I suddenly started to consider myself ugly and boring.…nothing special.

I wish I could say that this negative self-imagine faded and I began to see myself differently but I never really did. I carried the idea that I wasn’t “good enough” around with me and it didn’t take me long to develop an eating disorder. The idea entered my head after a friend of mind told me it was an easy way to lose weight and be beautiful. I never considered myself fat and at the time I was barely 100 pounds but if that is what it took to be beautiful I would do it. So I did. I would shove my finger down my throat and purge until everything I ate came up. I was surprised how good it made me feel like I was in control. Needless to say I did lose weight and people noticed. A year went by and I kept my secret until my youth pastors wife noticed something different about me. I knew that she suspected something because she asked me about my eating habits. AND then I messed up (and by messed up I mean I probably slipped up and saved my life). I told my best friend Callie what I was doing. We went back in forth that night over the phone but she finally insisted that I tell an adult and she left me no choice. So I decided to tell Elizabeth (my youth pastors wife) since she pretty much had me pinned anyway. The next morning at church I had not forgotten what I had promised Callie but I prayed that Callie had. YEAH RIGHT! Right after Sunday school I see Callie walking towards me and Elizabeth followed her. I wish I could say what words entered my mind at that moment but it isn't appropriate.

There’s no easy way to tell anyone that you have an eating disorder, but for me it was a lot easier to tell Elizabeth than it was to tell my mom or anyone else in my family. I guess because at the time I really didn’t know Elizabeth and honestly I didn’t really care what she thought of me. So after about 5 minutes of silence I blurted it out “I think I have an eating disorder”. For some reason I was expecting Elizabeth to yell at me so I stared at my feet, but after about 30 seconds she still hadn’t started yelling I looked back up at her. She smiled at me “I’m glad you told me, I thought that you might”. I was relieved. For the next hour we talked and I left feeling like someone had violated my brain and picked my thoughts to pieces, but in a weird way that was a good feeling.

After months of long, exhausting conversations Elizabeth convinced me to tell my mom, and sure enough I found myself in a counselors office. This woman was crazy and she was OLD! I guessed that she was about 60. It was strange but before we jumped into talking about eating disorders I expected for her to pray with me, thats what Elizabeth did, but she didn't and I felt nervous the entire time. I remember raising my eyebrow when my mom asked me if I liked her. OOPS big mistake! My mom found me another counselor! This one was younger but I didn’t trust her like I trusted Elizabeth. Elizabeth said she was going to keep my secret, I believed her. This woman wrote everything I said down in a notebook. For some reason I had nightmares about reading my problems in the Daily Harold (no joke) I talked about everything with this counselor just not my eating disorder. She eventually told my mom that I was healed, and that I no longer showed any signs of having a eating disorder.

Well she was wrong.

The battle went on for many more years; of course the battle became secret. My mom, My dad, Callie, Elizabeth, everyone thought those days were behind me.

Little did I know my world was about to be ROCKED! (to be continued)

Just a thought about abortion...

I have said this probably 100 times on Facebook, Twitter, and even in person to my friends. I HATE T-shirts that say “Abortion is Murder”, “Abortion is Mean”, or any other harsh statements about abortion. I want to make sure I say that I AM PROLIFE but you will never see me in one of these harsh condemning shirts. I do believe that abortion is murder and since it is murder then it is “mean”. BUT when I try to imagine Jesus wearing a shirt that says, “Abortion is Murder” I honestly cannot picture it but maybe I am wrong.

I think about putting on a shirt that says something so cruel (to make it worse they also stamp bible verses on these things) and harsh and walking out into a world that is so broken and hurting. I think about that woman. The one who was young, scared and alone with a choice to make. I don’t imagine her laughing or smirking as life is ripped out of her. I see someone who is broken and filled with regret. She is someone who needs love not condemnation. So I think twice before I buy anything with slogans that might deeply hurt someone. I think about my sin, the sin that I struggle with and regret and the past that I have and how much it would hurt to see judgment stamped across a t-shirt of someone who calls themselves a child of the God who FORGIVES.

I do not condone abortion and if you ask me I will tell you that I believe abortion is wrong in EVERY circumstance. I believe that abortion is a major problem in this country and my heartaches when I think about it. I believe that abortion is evil but I also believe that the ONLY thing that can stop evil and hatred is goodness and Love! So be Pro-Life, advertise it, but advertise it in a way that makes God smile!

www.abort73.com

Loved Anyway.

Right now I am many many many things. Emotions flood me. I am stuck in the middle. I am not who I want to be yet, but I am not who I was. Satan wants to make sure that I am aware of the fact that I am worthless but that is not true…

….I AM GOD’S

Weary

Burdened

Hurting

Hopeless

Happy

Hesitant

Rejected

Sick

Anxious

Empty

Searching

Eager

Afraid

Disappointed

Confused

Excited

Numb

Discouraged

Blessed

Overwhelmed

Worried

Loving and Loved

DAUGHTER

As the enemy tries to convince me that I am worthless and no good, and that I will never amount to anything, the Spirit of God is telling me a different story. He is telling me that he loves me and wants me just the way I am. I am his! There is nothing I can do, no sin to big, no mountain to tall to separate me from his love. I am his Child. He loves me whole, He loves me broken, He loves me happy, He loves me sad, He loves me guilty, He loves me innocent, and He loves me mad. There’s nothing I can do. It’s the best feeling of Security. I also cannot do anything to deserve his love or earn it. He never asked me to do anything; He hung on a cross for me before my heart even beat once. This is what amazing, unconditional love looks, and feels like.

Sin is NO GOOD!!

So many times I find myself sinning. That’s right sinning. Doing exactly what God has told me not to do, because I believe that something good, or pleasing will come from this sin. We enjoy to sin. Sin is fun! If you don’t think sin is fun, then you are not doing it right!! The problem is Sin might bring pleasure at the time, but later it hurts us.

I’m going to use my Youth Pastor’s adorable 2-year-old daughter, Mia, as somewhat of an illustration here. A few months ago I was at church. Mia was eating everything I told her not to. I was fishing things out of her mouth with my finger all morning. I looked away for two seconds and she came running over to me, tugging on my shirt. She looked up at me and said “Ka-Ka, dis no good”. She had chewed up an entire crayon. I scooped her up and rushed to the bathroom to rinse her mouth out. After her mouth was clean she said again “No good”. I replied with “I know baby, if it was good for you Kate-Kate would not have told you not to eat it. I love you so much, and I know what can hurt you so you should listen to what I say”. Right then and there my own words brought me to a point of conviction.

God doesn’t tell us to not do something because he wants us to miss out. He knows what is bad and what can hurt us. Just as I have a greater understanding than Mia of what isn’t good, he has a greater understanding than me. Just like Mia, I had been told not to do something and yet I did it anyway. I wanted to please my flesh, but I ended up saying “This is NOT good”. I ran back to God, in the same way Mia ran back to me, saying, “Please help me, I don’t like what I have done, it’s not good”. Just as I didn’t hesitate to help Mia, God doesn’t hesitate to help me. He cleans up my mess and he reassures me that he knows what’s best time after time, and he NEVER stops loving me.

The problem with sin is that we are not able to live completely sinless lives. WE ARE BORN WITH A SIN NATURE! Some people doubt this and that begs the question: Who taught you to lie? Who taught you to think bad thoughts? Who taught you to be selfish? The answer is NO ONE! You didn’t need to be taught. You were born a sinner, conceived to two sinners, who are the children of sinners, and so on. It’s only by the blood of Jesus Christ that our sins can be washed away! We can run to him over and over again saying “This is no good, help me! Make me clean” and he will because we are his children and his love for us is unconditional!

Suicide and Depression biblical notes

Sermon Notes: What the Bible says about Depression and Suicide.

Is Suicide the “Unforgiveable sin”? NO

• Mark 3:22-30
• Matthew 12:31-32
Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit- “Denying the voice of the Holy Spirit telling you Jesus is Lord. UNBELIEF” – Ergan Canner.

1 Corinthians 6:20

Suicide in the Bible
• Abimelech – Judges 9:52-54. REASON: PRIDE
• Samson – Judges 16:25-30. REASON: REVENGE
• King Saul – 1 Samuel 31:4. REASON: INTENSE PAIN
• Armor Barrier – 1 Samuel 31:5. REASON: INTENSE LOYALITY
• Ahithophel – 2 Samuel 17:23. REASON: FURY
• Zimri – 1Kings 16:15-20.
• Judus – Matthew 27:3-5. REASON:BETRAYAL

^ALL Have Isolated Depression in Common!

OTHER:
Moeses thought about suicide in Numbers 11

Jonah: Chapter 4:11

Elisha.